DADE CITY—Competition between long-time rivals Beverage Chest and Dade City Liquors is at an all-time high. Beverage Chest, the drive-thru convenient store north of town, has seen a recent dip in their underage alcohol sales resulting in a stunning 68% sales drop last year. For years, Beverage Chest has made their money selling to underage teens in Dade City trying to get their hands on booze to find a way to cope with the everyday dullness and monotony of living in such a dreadful town. Beverage Chest owners have noticed that many of their long-time customers have left them for rival, and neighbor, Dade City Liquors. We sat down with the two store owners to get their take on the sudden shift in underage sales dominance.
Kumquat: Beverage Chest has always been known as that sleazy place that will sell kids booze without asking questions. What happened to your stranglehold on the market?
Beverage Chest: We’ve been selling to some of these kids for years, since they were 14 or 15 years old. Now those same loyal customers are 18 or 19 years old and they’re starting to realize how shitty this town is. They’re coping with it by drinking hard liquor and it’s something our wine coolers and Four Lokos just can’t compete with. Dade City Liquors saw how successful we were and stole our business model.
Dade City Liquors: Times are tough right now, but we learned the underage drinkers can be a great source of revenue. It's easy because those little fuckers are frivolous with their money. Mommy and Daddy give ‘em a few bucks allowance each week and most of that is going straight into my pocket. Since we started selling to minors our Grey Goose and Patron sales are through the roof. The little bastards are paying for the label and we’re happy to sell it to ‘em. We have to compete with these guys across the street, and those bastards are ruthless.
Kumquat: Are you aware of what you're doing? Has there been any trouble with the police?
Dade City Liquors: Of course we're aware of what we're doing. We're making money. And as far as police goes, they don't come around too often. They rarely come to this part of town. Plus, most of our loitering bums make them steer clear of this place. They're more interested in hanging out at the Circle K refilling their Polar Pops. It's a gift and a curse having these bums walking around my establishment, but in the end it keeps those filthy cops away.
Beverage Chest: Hell, we sell to anyone that can see over the steering wheel. We've been using this philosophy for years and it's never failed us. Cops are easy to spot. If I see a cop car pulling into the line I just tell the paying underage customer to hand me an ID. Doesn't have to be a good ID, we accept anything. We even accept their Pasco High or Pasco Middle School ID. It’s all for the cameras anyways. Works every time.
Kumquat: What are your stores’ future plans/strategies to improve sales growth?
Beverage Chest: We came up with a new idea. We will provide our very loyal and youthful customers with a free pack of Black n’ Milds with every purchase of a Four Loko, Busch, Natural Light, Keystone Light, or, of course, Old Milwaukee. We believe this effort alone should spike sales to knockout those bums across the street. We know that kids love tobacco, so now they can get it with a purchase of a nice cold refreshing beverage from yours truly, The Beverage Chest.
Dade City Liquors: Those asswipes across the way have no shot at competing with us. We have provided quality hard liquor to our youth for years and our sales are expected to double in the next quarter. We are going to offer a buy-one get-one free special on all bottom shelf liquor products on the weekends to kids who bring in ticket stubs from the Pasco football games. We think this will be a good way to make a huge profit while really connecting with the community.
The power struggle between these two feuding businesses has been going on for years, and at this rate, we aren’t likely to see an end in sight. One thing is for sure, minors will continue to drink away their sorrows for years to come.